Yesterday, I spent the afternoon volunteering. As I drove to the venue, I remembered I'd not celebrated my achievements this week; 1) I had signed up a new client and 2) I had my words published in the wellness section of Elle Magazine.
I called Rickie and said after the volunteer briefing, let's go for a nice champagne lunch somewhere. Ok, so I don't even like champagne and I bearly drink, but the whole vibe I was going for was the fun, bubbly celebrations, perhaps indulging a little more than a usual lunch.
After we'd finished (we were in separate cars), we agreed upon a destination to meet. On the way, he called me and said he just wasn't feeling it; he felt like he's soul wasn't comfortable with it. We had the children this week and Rickie's mum was looking after them while we were helping out, so he decided to head straight there.
A little miffed, but understanding he wasn't feeling it, I started to drive home.
As I contemplated and let the frustration start to fill my body, my mind consuming with negative thoughts, I stopped myself. I recognised a shift in feelings - from celebration to frustration and I didn't like this feeling of frustration. I recognised at this point I had a choice. To either go home and stay in this frustration, feeling sorry for myself, playing the victim, or continue to celebrate on. I decided the latter and called my best mate, who was super keen to join me. "Great, I'll pick you up in 10 mins" I said. 5 minutes later however, she called me back; "I'm really really sorry, but I can't come now" and gave her excuses.
That one hit me hard. I began to cry. I pulled over in my car and let the tears fall. The voice in my head beginning to tell me "You don't deserve to be celebrated! Nobody wants to celebrate with you!" I let these thoughts consume me for a short while and again, considered driving home, wallowing in my victimhood.
But, I stopped myself. "Why are these thoughts consuming my mind, these are not my thoughts; these thoughts do not serve me well'' I thought. I told them to 'F*** off' - noticing that trap of falling victim, so easy to fall into. My soul told me to keep driving and I began to question why do I look externally for celebration, when I can't even celebrate myself?
I continued on and eventually pulled over at this beautiful spot alongside a river. I watched the water, the flow and contemplated the flow of life. 'I choose to let go, to go with the flow and follow my soul. I will celebrate me.'
As I walked along the river side, I noticed a painted tree with a handmade sign 'R U OK?' I smiled, 'yes' I answered, thank you. I sat and meditated, my soul telling me to take me out on a date.
That makes me feel uncomfortable and feel unease within; which is exactly why I know I need to do it.
I hit 'Do not Disturb' on my phone, took off my volunteering clothes and replaced them with a dress I had in the car. 'Eeek, here we go. Just me, myself and I'.
I was drawn to a venue alongside a harbour overlooking lots of beautiful boats and yachts. I ordered 'How many are eating?' the waitress asked. 'Just one, me.' I replied. She smiled awkwardly at me.
I ordered a glass of Prosecco and oysters and sat in the uncomfortable for a while. I could feel eyes on me and discrete whispers around me. But eventually everyone else just fell into the background and I began to not care that I was alone.
Tears began to fill my eyes with gratitude as I looked around at the beauty of this beautiful life I have created for myself. This is not a holiday, this is my home! Look at what I have manifested... I heard myself congratulating me, for all I have done and all I have achieved. "You have created this. Savour it. Soak it in. You are amazing!"
I didn't actually realise it was a Saturday night; the busiest night of all nights, as everyday feels like a weekend day for me, gratefully, this is the life I have created.
I noticed the back of a man's t-shirt 'Only the Few' while the song 'Better Together' by Jack Johnson was playing in the background. I knew these were all signs from the Universe. I kept giggling and thinking 'this is the best thing I've ever done!'
I could feel eyes looking at me from behind and eventually a man came over and pulled up a seat.
"I have to ask. 'you been stood up by your boyfriend or something?"
Him: "But I watched you come in by yourself, order and eat alone, so I thought I'd be nosey and ask what happened?"
Me: "I came out by myself, intentionally"
Him: *confused look*
Me: "I'm celebrating myself!"
Him: "So...*pause* ... so you've not been stood up?"
Me: "No! My partner is at home, I wanted to come out alone to celebrate me!"
Him: "Erm, ok, well, if you'd like, come and join us for a drink , so you're not sat on your own."
I gave my appreciation for his offer, and politely declined before finishing the rest of my meal.
As I left the restaurant and headed back to the car, I felt liberated, buzzing, alive and so full of energy. I knew I had made the right decision in pushing myself and honouring my soul needs.
What this experience has taught me is how much and how easily you can change your destiny. How quickly your mind can control you and tell you you're not worthy, not good enough.
I could have wallowed in misery at home after being 'rejected', but instead I trusted in that intuitive feeling, trusted in my soul, and answered its' calling. Surrender to the flow. Take your destiny and write it as you like.